Editor’s Note: Chenango County’s favorite best-selling author Maggie Shayne joins the ranks of Evening Sun contributors this week with an au courant advice column that’s just a tad different than ‘Dear Abby.’
Whether it’s relationship guidance, tips on modern romance or just throwing her two cents in, Maggie’s got an answer for everything in “Shayne on You.”

Dear Maggie,
I’m a 40-something, white divorcee who is thinking about perhaps trying to date again. My problem is this: I never was one for the bar scenes, and am certainly not for them now, so where/how do I meet men in a small, midwestern city?
Wondering

Dear Wondering,
The only place to find a perfect man is in the pages of a romance novel, where the men are created by women for women. But maybe I can help you come close.
Unless you’re looking for a one night stand, or to wake up in Mr. Wrong’s apartment (which is probably a bedroom at his mom’s house) you should skip the bar scene.
For long term prospects, figure out what kind of man you want, and then go to the places where that kind of man would be. You want a successful businessman? Join a country club and sign up for golf lessons. You want a studmuffin? Join a gym. You want someone bookish and smart? Sign up for some classes at your local college and spend more time at the library. Just figure out where the man of your dreams would spend his spare time, and go there.
Look for someone who enjoys the same things you do, though. Don’t go rappelling into the Grand Canyon, only to remember halfway down that you’re afraid of heights, just to impress an adventurer. You might be happier with a librarian.
Don’t count out your women friends for help on this either. They know you best, after all, so let them know you’re open to fix-ups.
Before you do anything else, though, sit down and make a list of the qualities you want in you man. Be greedy. Re-read it every day. Add to it as your desires evolve. And know, beyond a doubt that he’s out there waiting. Try to shift your attitude and your focus from what you lack (I don’t have a man, I want a man, I wish I had a man, I’m lonely for a man) to the excited anticipation of what you know is coming (He’s out there, I’ll find him any day now. This going to be so fun, so amazing, so wonderful!) Most importantly, have fun with the things you do have in the meantime. The more positive your attitude, the quicker the things you want in life will come to you.
Happy hunting!
Maggie

Dear Maggie,
I’m recently divorced and have re-discovered the love of my life – my college sweetheart. This is truly a bone deep, peaceful, and yet magical and exciting love that I am compelled to nurture. But the cost is great.
Our ex-spouses are having a very hard time with our relationship. Our adult children are struggling to accept this all consuming relationship that has suddenly taken over their parents. It seems like everyone around us is hurting because we are in love and I’m feeling so incredibly selfish.
Lately I’ve been thinking that I’m taking my happiness at the cost of everyone else and that is not the type of person I am. I believe that what you put out comes back at you. Am I going to pay a heavy price in my future for taking this happiness that comes at such a great cost?
Thanks for any help you can give me.
A searching soul

Dear Searching,
This quote is hanging on my wall in large letters:
“What other people think of me is none of my business.”
Forget about the exes. Screw the exes. And if the kids are adults, do you think they’d give up their true love because you decided to pitch a jealous fit? I doubt it.
You can spend your life trying to make others happy, and succeed only in making yourself miserable. Their happiness is their responsibility. You are only responsible for your own.
Here’s another quote for you to print up and hang on your wall, from a very wise guru. “Selfishly seek joy, because your joy is the greatest gift you can give to anyone. Unless you are in your joy, you have nothing to give away.” --Abraham
You want to know the meaning of life? To have fun. To relish every second of the journey. To experience every joyful, wonderful thing life has to offer.
Happiness isn’t a condition based on surrounding conditions. Happiness is a choice, one each person makes for him/herself.
Love your kids. Be there for them. But don’t sacrifice your own happiness for them. Joy is contagious. But so is misery, so guard your happiness like the treasure it is, and don’t let their negative attitudes bring you down.
Celebrate what you’ve found. It deserves celebrating. Don’t insult it by letting stuff that’s none of your business get in the way.
Enjoy!
Maggie


Do you have a question for Maggie?
E-mail her at mshayne@evesun.com.
And she’ll answer it in a future column!
(All letters are anonymous)