Dear Maggie,
How do I motivate my daughter, who recently returned home, to start job hunting? Granted, her life has been in the dumps lately, but I can’t support her for very long. I hate to be the nagging mother, but I can’t figure out how to motivate her without her rolling her eyes and telling me, “I know, MOM!”
Frustrated Mom

Dear Frustrated Mom,
Nagging won’t work anyway, so don’t bother. However, prepare to face the eye rolling, because there’s probably no way around it. I think the key here is honest, open, communication.
I’d try explaining to her that you can’t afford to support her indefinitely, and that you really don’t feel you’d be doing her any favors by doing so, even if you could. Part of growing up is learning to support one’s self. As an adult, when you don’t have a job, your job is to find a job. Remind her that you have to get up and go to work every day, and ask if she thinks it’s healthy for her to stay at home while you do.
Another point to make is that by looking for work and finding it, she’s going to move through her depression a whole lot faster. Basking in it just feeds it, and that makes it grow. Starve it of your attention, and it fades away more easily.
Finally, and this is the tough part, I’d give her some specifics, including a deadline. I’d say something like this. “I love you so much that I’m going to give you the most valuable gift I can give you, even though it would be a lot easier for me to just let you lie around and grow moss. I know that would be harmful to you, not helpful. So, you get a free pass until (insert date here.) After that, you’re going to need to hold down a job and contribute X-dollars toward our living expenses, or find a place of your own. By doing those things, you’re going to be empowered, and become a strong, independent woman who can make her own way in the world. A woman who can never be held down or held back. A woman who can accomplish anything. And that’s the woman I’ve raised you to be, because I love you.”
Also, be sure to ditch any tendency you might have toward criticizing her habits, and focus instead on praising even the most minimal effort she makes. Those efforts will grow if you do.
Good luck to you both!
Maggie

Dear Maggie,
I live in a townhouse, which doesn’t have a driveway—we park in front of our house as do the other people who live in this building. A guy who lives across the street has a driveway of his own, but parks in front of our place every day. Not only does he park there, but he makes it difficult for anyone else to park there and his car has an oil leak. He’s very inconsiderate. The people who lived here before us said they talked with him and he didn’t care and parked there regardless. He’s well aware we have only the street to park on. Do I approach him? Leave it alone? Am I being petty?
Thanks Maggie!
Signed,
Problems Parking

Dear Problems Parking,
Bake him some cookies!
No, I’m serious. If the former residents tried talking to him, and probably made this issue into a bone of contention, then obviously, that route won’t work. In fact it would probably only lead to an ongoing feud, hard feelings, and each side trying to do more things to make life unpleasant for the other. And that’s going to be miserable for all concerned.
So if talking and arguing won’t work, why bother? Instead, I’d try reaching out to this neighbor. Make a point to wave and smile and say hello when you see him. Offer to do small neighborly things for him now and then, like dog sit or keep an eye on the place while he’s away or shovel his section of the sidewalk while you’re out shoveling your own. I’d drop a friendly card in his mail now and then, and share extra cookies when I’m baking, or leave a basket of fruit on his doorstep. I would get to know him as a person, not as a problem, and who knows what might come of it?
Maybe he’d feel kindly toward you and just stop taking your parking space all on his own. Maybe you’d learn that there’s some deep reason why he feels the need to park on the road. Maybe all you’ll get out of it is a new friend. And if that’s all you get, then that’s something pretty valuable. Way more valuable than convenient parking.
And please let me know how it works out. I have a very good feeling about this one. When a person is unpleasant to others for no apparent reason, it’s usually because they are unhappy or lonely. Happy people are far more pleasant to be around. So do little things to brighten his life and see what happens. Just make sure you don’t appear to be faking it just to get your parking spot back. Be sincere. It’ll be good, you’ll see.
Best,
Maggie