Ha. Ha. Fooled you into reading this column. Fire safety won’t do a single thing to help you seduce your favorite cutie (although fireplaces are very seductive). But, over the years, I have made a few observations that might make your life a little less ... combustible. Today, I will mention three.

First, my credentials: When I am not writing, I investigate the origin and cause of fires. I have been doing this for over 25 years. I am an International Association of Arson Investigators (IAAI) Certified Fire Investigator. That’s all you have to know. Now, listen:

ONE: UNPLUG YOUR TOASTER WHEN YOU AREN’T MAKING TOAST

Scenario: You have just come home from the market and are carrying a heavy paper bag filled with groceries. The telephone rings, so you thrust the bag onto the kitchen counter and rush out of the room. The call is from your attorney, informing you that Great Aunt Matilda has left you four million dollars in her will ... or it is from your son advising you that he is divorcing his wife and getting a sex change. Either way, it is a long conversation. Forty-five minutes into it, you smell smoke. You terminate the call and dial 911.

The fire department extinguishes the fire. Before leaving, they tell you that the fire began in the kitchen. But where? How? Why? The last page of my origin and cause report answers all of those questions: The fire started in the toaster.