Dear Maggie,
I’ve been married for 7 years, and up until now it’s been great. But lately things have been changing. My husband seems distracted when he’s home, and seems to come up with lots of reasons not to be. There’s always something, somewhere, that needs his attention. He works late. Golfs with his buddies on the weekends. Does odd jobs for various friends and neighbors as favors. It’s almost like he’s avoiding me. And he’s not as interested in sex anymore either.
I’m afraid he’s having an affair. I love him and don’t want our marriage to end over this. What should I do?
Signed,
Worried Sick

Dear Worried,
First, stop worrying. Stop being terrified. Relax a little. Begin a daily practice of controlling your mind and your thoughts, because you’re the only one who can. Right now, you’re thinking the worst. You’d be better off thinking the best. Because whichever one you choose to focus on is the one you’re going to get.
I want you to begin right where you are, today. I want you to forget all about yesterday and the day before and the day before that, because you can’t change the past, and besides, it’s over. It’s done. Spending any energy at all on the past is a total waste of time. You are where you are, and where you are is fine. Begin today. Think the best.
There are lots of reasons your husband might be exhibiting this kind of behavior. The first one that pops into my mind is that he might be experiencing some sort of erectile dysfunction, or some other condition that’s impacting his sex drive or energy levels, and that’s he too embarrassed by it to tell you. But there could be a hundred other things going on as well.
Instead of sitting home worrying about what he’s doing while he’s away, get your own life going on. When he’s golfing with his buddies, you should be out doing something fun with their wives and significant others. Jogging, tennis, the mall, a book club, whatever. What you do not do is start snooping through his pockets, cell phone records, or questioning his friends. That is a betrayal – almost as much of one as cheating would be. You either trust or you don’t. Pick one. And if you picked the latter, then the marriage is already over.
Mostly, you really need to sit down and talk. And I think you need to rehearse your talk before you have it, because the last thing you want to do is accuse an innocent man. So no accusations. Tell him how you’ve been feeling, using “I feel” to start most of your sentences, rather than “You did this,” or “You made me feel” this. Tell him you’ve been feeling less and less a part of his life, and less and less secure about his feelings for you. And just ask him if he’s been avoiding you for a reason, if anything’s wrong. And if he says there’s not, you need to tell him, well, actually there is. I’m not getting what I need from our relationship lately and I’m feeling unhappy, and I want to talk about that.
Keep it loving and kind. Reassure him you’re not delivering ultimatums or threatening to leave him or giving orders. Explain that you’re unhappy, and you want to be happy again, and you want to share your feelings with him because that’s what couples do. And that you value your marriage so much that you just want to take stock and discuss and keep it healthy and vibrant. And then take it from there.
But at the same time, remember, your happiness is a choice you make every day when you wake up. It’s not up to him to make you happy or up to you to make him happy. We each have to do that for ourselves. It’s way too much of a burden to put on anyone else. So if you find yourself in a situation that is making it difficult for you to choose to be happy, and you can’t change the situation, then you might need to choose a different situation.
Life is too short not to be happy.
Best,
Maggie