Dear Maggie,
I can’t get my kids to move out and it’s ruining my life!
All right, they are a boy and a girl, both have finished high school, and my daughter went to college for two years, but neither of them have any ambition at all. They aren’t working. Oh, they get jobs, but don’t keep them long. I keep two cars on the road—I can’t afford three—and we share, but it’s hard to divide two cars by three people and I’m often stranded without wheels, even having to carpool into my own job as a legal aid.
I’m not wealthy, but I’d be in fairly good shape financially, if they would only start supporting themselves, or at least contributing to the family finances. But they just can’t hold down jobs long enough to amount to anything, and can’t even find decent jobs that pay anything anyway.
I love my kids, and I don’t want them to hate me, but they are twenty-two and twenty-four now, and I’ve reached the end of my rope. I’m ready to make a change. So tell me how.
Signed,
Desperate and Done

Dear D&D,
Did you ever watch It’s Me or the Dog on Animal Planet? The dog expert, Victoria Stillwell is always being called into homes of desperate pet owners whose dogs are out of control, and she’s always having to tell them, “there’s nothing wrong with your dog. The problem is you.”
I hate to have to say this, but that’s the same situation you’re in.
In life, every time you do something for someone that they should reasonably be doing for themselves, you’re sort of telling them, “I’m handling this because you’re incapable of it.” (Before the opposing opinions begin, I don’t mean that doing a favor or a kindness or pampering a spouse or lover is harmful. I mean a consistent pattern of babying, which creates dependent, needy babies.)
So that’s first. You’ve done too much for them, out of love I’m sure, and now they don’t see any other way. It’s up to you to create the life you want, and you can only do that by reversing the damage here. By beginning to expect, and demand, that they do things for themselves, you will show them that they are indeed capable, productive, adults. They may not like it at first, but keep in mind that it took you a while to make them this needy, so it may take some time to wean them from the breast too. So start small, but be consistent, and keep adding responsibility week by week, more and more, and watch the way they’re going to grow and blossom once they get over the shock of it. And if you act from love and keep on loving, it’ll be fine.
Use this media-hyped “economic crisis” as an excuse if you want. Tell them in this economy, you can’t afford to support all three of you, and that really, since they’re adults, you shouldn’t have to. Tell them they need to pull their own weight, and give them a deadline to find jobs. Make it clear that this is not optional. Anyone without a job at month’s end, will no longer have a car to drive, because you’ll be forced to take the extra vehicle off the road. Make it dire. Make it loving, too. Tell them you’re sorry you’ve made them into helpless wimps, but now you’ve seen the damage your coddling has done and you’re terrified of what will become of them when you’re gone, and determined to be sure they’ll be okay.
Once they’re employed, keep pushing. Take turns with meals, with household chores. Assign them their own bills to pay. Stop doing their laundry, paying their bills, making their beds, whatever. Unless they make your bed, or do your laundry or pay your bills once in awhile, that is. Gradually, you’ll be able to point out that as well as they’re doing, they could look for their own apartment. They can share and get by just fine.
Help only when absolutely necessary. Start doing away with extras that they want and you don’t, unless they pay for them. Like their cell phones, their internet, their pay TV, and so on. Make them pay their share, or shut it off.
Within a year, they should be feeling far more empowered, far more adult, far more confident. And then they’ll be ready for life on their own.
Now that you’ve identified what you want (independent adult offspring, not needy children) you’re halfway to getting it. Every time you look at them, see the productive, responsible adult you want to see, rather than what’s there now, and know it’s real. That’s who they’re becoming. Point out every positive step they take, and don’t dwell on the negative. It’ll help things come together more quickly.
No one can get the ball rolling but you. But in the end, no one can live their lives for them, either. And some kids just won’t budge until really forced. You’re going to need to be strong and stubborn, consistent and steady, but above all, loving and encouraging. And never doubt that this is the best thing you can possibly do for your adult children. You only make them impotent by taking care of them as you have been. Empower them instead, and all will be well!
Good luck!
Maggie