Shayne on You: Sometimes, the best thing you can do is leave
Dear Maggie,
I’m am a 25 year old mother of two boys. My boyfriend and I live together. He’s the father of my kids and I love him. But he drinks way too much and he’s just never around when I need him. He’s so great when he’s here, but he’s often gone for days at a time. Anything could happen and I wouldn’t even know how to get hold of him. I think it’s not him, it’s the beer. He just drinks all the time. Starts in the morning and doesn’t stop until he’s asleep at night. Sometimes he doesn’t stop for days, and then only when he passes out.
My family think I should leave him. But I love him, and I just don’t know what to do. Please help.
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Your partner is an alcoholic. He won’t change until he has to. The most loving thing you can do for him is give him a reason to get sober and stay that way. And for most drunks, that only happens when they lose the things they cherish most. So leaving him, taking the kids, might be the wake up call he needs to get straight.
But there’s something you need to get straight, too. It’s not your job to fix this problem for him. Your job is to create the best, happiest life you can for yourself and your sons. Forcing them to live with a drunk is not the best you can do for them. In fact, letting them grow up in a home with a man who behaves that way, increases their chances of ending up just like him. That risk grows every day they spend with him.
Women who stay with men like this not only enable the man to keep throwing his life down the toilet, they destroy the lives of their kids. He will not change if you stay. If you leave, he might. Or he might not. But it’s not about him, it’s about you and your boys. You need to do what’s best for the kids even though it’s probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do. And even though you know they love him. Kids love their parents, even when those parents are abusive. They’ll love him more if he gets straight. They’ll love you more, when they’re older, for doing what’s best for them now. Leave.
Good luck,
Maggie
I’m am a 25 year old mother of two boys. My boyfriend and I live together. He’s the father of my kids and I love him. But he drinks way too much and he’s just never around when I need him. He’s so great when he’s here, but he’s often gone for days at a time. Anything could happen and I wouldn’t even know how to get hold of him. I think it’s not him, it’s the beer. He just drinks all the time. Starts in the morning and doesn’t stop until he’s asleep at night. Sometimes he doesn’t stop for days, and then only when he passes out.
My family think I should leave him. But I love him, and I just don’t know what to do. Please help.
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Your partner is an alcoholic. He won’t change until he has to. The most loving thing you can do for him is give him a reason to get sober and stay that way. And for most drunks, that only happens when they lose the things they cherish most. So leaving him, taking the kids, might be the wake up call he needs to get straight.
But there’s something you need to get straight, too. It’s not your job to fix this problem for him. Your job is to create the best, happiest life you can for yourself and your sons. Forcing them to live with a drunk is not the best you can do for them. In fact, letting them grow up in a home with a man who behaves that way, increases their chances of ending up just like him. That risk grows every day they spend with him.
Women who stay with men like this not only enable the man to keep throwing his life down the toilet, they destroy the lives of their kids. He will not change if you stay. If you leave, he might. Or he might not. But it’s not about him, it’s about you and your boys. You need to do what’s best for the kids even though it’s probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do. And even though you know they love him. Kids love their parents, even when those parents are abusive. They’ll love him more if he gets straight. They’ll love you more, when they’re older, for doing what’s best for them now. Leave.
Good luck,
Maggie
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