Shayne on You: Accentuate the positive
Dear Maggie,
My husband and I got into an argument the other day, and he said something that really made me mad. He said all I ever do is complain. Of course, I denied it. But then I mentioned it to my sister, and she got all quiet and stopped looking me in the eye. And when I demanded to know what she was thinking she said that I really do tend to complain a lot! I was hurt and offended, but ever since, I’ve been thinking about it and noticing that I really do. When I’m on the phone with my mom, I complain about the kids, and when I’m talking to my husband I complain about my mom, and when I run into people at the grocery store I complain about the prices, or the weather, or a headache, or ...
Well, you get the picture. I don’t when I changed from a fairy positive person into just the opposite, but now that I’ve realized what I’m doing, I’d like to change it. But it’s tougher than it seems. Old habits die hard. Any suggestions?
Best,
Negative Nellie
Dear Nellie (I’m starting by dropping the negative part!)
What a great letter! And good for you for recognizing and wanting to change this tendency! It must be kismet, because several people I know have been discussing this very topic. The thing is, we tend to talk about the things we notice. So if we notice negative stuff all the time, that’s on our mind, and is our natural topic of conversation. The problem with that is that when we focus on negativity all the time, we attract more of it. So it’s more and more what we see and more and more what we talk about, and the first thing you know, we’re kind of miserable to be around, and worse, we feel miserable inside.
A good first step would be to make it a habit to start noticing positive things. Start every day by writing down six or seven or ten absolutely great things, whether it’s big stuff like, “my guy’s a hunk,” to tiny things like, “I love the way the sun is reflecting off the icicles this morning” or “thank God for fat-free French vanilla creamer!” If you make this a daily habit, you’ll gradually train your mind to focus more on the positive, which means you’ll bring more and more positive stuff to notice into your life.
Another excellent tool is this new program that’s sweeping the nation right now. The goal is to not complain for 21 days. It’s the brainchild of Reverend Bowen of the Christ Church Unity in Kansas City, Missouri and it has become a very trendy challenge in many circles now. The way it works is this. You get a little purple bracelet to remind you of your goal not to complain for 21 straight days, and you put it on your wrist. Any time you catch yourself complaining, (and email counts!) you have to switch the bracelet to the other wrist, and start counting over again. It took Reverend Bowen 3 months to get to 21 straight days. He says it has taken some members as long as seven months.
This isn’t magic, and it surely isn’t easy, but it’s a great tool. And according to a friend of mine who’s doing it (and is up to 19 days!) it isn’t just that you squelch the complaints as they pop into your head, it’s that gradually, you get into the habit of recognizing a negative thought before it goes from your brain to your mouth, and you automatically replace it with a positive thought. You might think, “That darn mailman is late again” and shift that thought to, “okay, so he’s late sometimes, but he’s really great about bringing oversized packages to the door, and he’s always friendly.” Bit by bit all your tendencies to see the negative, become tendencies to see the positive. You literally change the way your brain works, building new pathways and abandoning the old ones. There’s science behind this stuff!
The bracelet is a reminder, and it makes a game out of something that can honestly change your life. You can go from being mostly negative, to mostly positive, and it’ll make a huge difference in every other part of your life, and especially in your closest relationships.
You can read about the program and get your own purple bracelet at the website Bowen has set up for this, www.acomplaintfreeworld.org which now offers books and T-shirts as well, with all profits going to charity. The bracelets are offered in packages of five, for five bucks a package. (The more you order, the less they cost, so think what fun it would be to do this as a group with your co-workers or friends!)
Granted, you don’t need the “official” purple bracelet. Any bracelet, or even a rubber band, would work. I think this is a wonderful idea and I hope it keeps on spreading!
Good luck!
Maggie
*Note from Maggie: We’re saving all your email addresses when you send me a letter I can use for the column. In April, we’ll be drawing from among them, and three lucky winners will get an autographed copy of my next novel, LOVER’S BITE, before it can even be purchased retail. So keep those wonderful letters coming! (And don’t worry, after the drawing, we’ll delete the addresses and they will never be shared for any reason.)
My husband and I got into an argument the other day, and he said something that really made me mad. He said all I ever do is complain. Of course, I denied it. But then I mentioned it to my sister, and she got all quiet and stopped looking me in the eye. And when I demanded to know what she was thinking she said that I really do tend to complain a lot! I was hurt and offended, but ever since, I’ve been thinking about it and noticing that I really do. When I’m on the phone with my mom, I complain about the kids, and when I’m talking to my husband I complain about my mom, and when I run into people at the grocery store I complain about the prices, or the weather, or a headache, or ...
Well, you get the picture. I don’t when I changed from a fairy positive person into just the opposite, but now that I’ve realized what I’m doing, I’d like to change it. But it’s tougher than it seems. Old habits die hard. Any suggestions?
Best,
Negative Nellie
Dear Nellie (I’m starting by dropping the negative part!)
What a great letter! And good for you for recognizing and wanting to change this tendency! It must be kismet, because several people I know have been discussing this very topic. The thing is, we tend to talk about the things we notice. So if we notice negative stuff all the time, that’s on our mind, and is our natural topic of conversation. The problem with that is that when we focus on negativity all the time, we attract more of it. So it’s more and more what we see and more and more what we talk about, and the first thing you know, we’re kind of miserable to be around, and worse, we feel miserable inside.
A good first step would be to make it a habit to start noticing positive things. Start every day by writing down six or seven or ten absolutely great things, whether it’s big stuff like, “my guy’s a hunk,” to tiny things like, “I love the way the sun is reflecting off the icicles this morning” or “thank God for fat-free French vanilla creamer!” If you make this a daily habit, you’ll gradually train your mind to focus more on the positive, which means you’ll bring more and more positive stuff to notice into your life.
Another excellent tool is this new program that’s sweeping the nation right now. The goal is to not complain for 21 days. It’s the brainchild of Reverend Bowen of the Christ Church Unity in Kansas City, Missouri and it has become a very trendy challenge in many circles now. The way it works is this. You get a little purple bracelet to remind you of your goal not to complain for 21 straight days, and you put it on your wrist. Any time you catch yourself complaining, (and email counts!) you have to switch the bracelet to the other wrist, and start counting over again. It took Reverend Bowen 3 months to get to 21 straight days. He says it has taken some members as long as seven months.
This isn’t magic, and it surely isn’t easy, but it’s a great tool. And according to a friend of mine who’s doing it (and is up to 19 days!) it isn’t just that you squelch the complaints as they pop into your head, it’s that gradually, you get into the habit of recognizing a negative thought before it goes from your brain to your mouth, and you automatically replace it with a positive thought. You might think, “That darn mailman is late again” and shift that thought to, “okay, so he’s late sometimes, but he’s really great about bringing oversized packages to the door, and he’s always friendly.” Bit by bit all your tendencies to see the negative, become tendencies to see the positive. You literally change the way your brain works, building new pathways and abandoning the old ones. There’s science behind this stuff!
The bracelet is a reminder, and it makes a game out of something that can honestly change your life. You can go from being mostly negative, to mostly positive, and it’ll make a huge difference in every other part of your life, and especially in your closest relationships.
You can read about the program and get your own purple bracelet at the website Bowen has set up for this, www.acomplaintfreeworld.org which now offers books and T-shirts as well, with all profits going to charity. The bracelets are offered in packages of five, for five bucks a package. (The more you order, the less they cost, so think what fun it would be to do this as a group with your co-workers or friends!)
Granted, you don’t need the “official” purple bracelet. Any bracelet, or even a rubber band, would work. I think this is a wonderful idea and I hope it keeps on spreading!
Good luck!
Maggie
*Note from Maggie: We’re saving all your email addresses when you send me a letter I can use for the column. In April, we’ll be drawing from among them, and three lucky winners will get an autographed copy of my next novel, LOVER’S BITE, before it can even be purchased retail. So keep those wonderful letters coming! (And don’t worry, after the drawing, we’ll delete the addresses and they will never be shared for any reason.)
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