Valentine’s Day isn’t all chocolates and roses. Just ask those poor mopes who got machine-gunned by Al Capone’s henchmen inside a Chicago warehouse 79 years ago today.
This holiday isn’t much fun if you’re single and not dating, either. At least that’s what I’m told. Lonely people say it’s just a big reminder that you’ve got no one to go home to. No one to share a romantic dinner with. No one to blow a few paychecks on a necklace for. No one that squeezes you tight and says, “Thanks baby, it’s beautiful. I would have gotten you something too, but I thought we agreed we weren’t going to spend money on each other this year.” Ah, to be in love. But while most of us are out celebrating with that special someone, the only thing those less fortunate than us will have to celebrate is probably today’s special on ‘Fancy Feast’ beef with gravy cat food (four cans for a $1, which single cat-lovers say is actually a really good deal, especially if it’s the only kind my ... I mean their cats will eat. But it doesn’t beat companionship with a human, that’s for sure).
Although not quite on the level of Capone’s “Valentine’s Day Massacre,” today must be a downer if you’re going stag.
I wouldn’t know. Relationships seem to grow on trees for me. Nope, no experience eating heart-shaped pizzas-for-one on the most romantic day of the year here.
That said, I figured we’d open up today’s column to all those lonely souls out there who need my advice on how to enjoy February 14 – even if it’s only with themselves (something I’ve never experienced, but can try and lend general knowledge to).
Dear Mike,
I act happy even though everyone around me is getting flowers, gifts and romantic Valentine’s messages from people who care about them. But lately, it’s getting harder and harder not to appear outwardly crippled by jealousy. Especially when they talk about how “excited” they are for their special dinner plans and how lucky they are to be in love with their “soul mates.” They’re clearly happy, and that’s really annoying. How would they like it if I spewed-off at the mouth all the time about how much better I looked in high school? Don’t they know how not cool it is to throw joy in someone’s face like that, especially when they know I’m in between relationships right now (depending on how you define “in between” and “relationships”)? How can I be happy and show everyone I know that my life is satisfying too? Please help!
Sincerely,
Local Newspaper Columnist Living A Lie
Dear Local Newspaper Columnist Living A Lie:
You’re situation isn’t nearly as bad, or as permanent, as you think it is. But whether or not you improve it is up to you. The solution, however, is actually very simple. Next Valentine’s Day – or appropriate holiday or milestone – order yourself two dozen roses, a box of Whitman’s Chocolates and two tickets for a cruise to the Caribbean. Have the message on the flowers read, “Mike, I never knew love before, then came you.” Then sign it, “Hugs and Kisses, Your Trophy Catch from Canada – who no one has ever seen before.” Slip the florist a fifty to keep their mouth shut and you’re good to go. In no time people will be buzzing with word of your newfound happiness north of the border!
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Dear Mike,
I have a great job. But I live with my parents. I also have issues with keeping my room clean. Those are just two examples. In general, I feel like I’m avoiding an independent lifestyle because I fear responsibility. This makes it difficult to start up a serious relationship. But I also hope to one day have someone to talk, laugh and cuddle with at the end of the day. Can you help me get on the right track?
Sincerely,
Wow, My Name Is Mike Too!
Dear Wow, My Name Is Mike Too!:
Choo, Choo! All aboard! It’s definitely time to take a fresh look at your life. Do that, and you’ll be on track in no time. It sounds like you’ve already started. Keep going! I think you’ll see that the answers are right in front of you. In the meantime, pick up the clothes on your bedroom floor and pile them in your bed. This will at least give you a semi-solid mass to spoon with evenings. What’s more, if the clothes are dirty, maybe you’ll hallucinate, thus inducing the laughter you so desperately seek.
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Dear Mike,
I think I have serious mental issues. I didn’t have any ideas for a column, so I wrote letters to myself – pretending to be other people – asking for advice about how to be less of a loser on Valentine’s Day. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Probably Out Of A Job
Dear Probably Out Of A Job:
If I were you, I’d hold off on sending yourself those roses and chocolates right away.

McGuire often wonders what’s worse – to be ‘high and dry’ or ‘low and wet’? His column appears Thursdays.