Dear Maggie,
Do you have advice on how to bring the spark back to a 16-year marriage? I miss the days when just my husband walking into the room would make my heart flutter and I’m sure the same is true with him. We still love each other very much, so that’s not a problem. I feel like we are in a rut. He comes home from work, we eat supper, he reads the paper and I do dishes. Then we both watch TV in different rooms because of different viewing pleasures. It’s the same every night. Can you give me some ideas on how to bring a spark back? Thanks.
Signed,
Spark-Seeker

Dear Seeker,
I think I can help, and I think if you re-read your note to me, very slowly, you probably would see the answers as clearly as I think I am. I have to begin with the obligatory disclaimer that I’m no longer married myself, so everything I say about marriage needs to be taken with a grain of salt. However, when both people want to make it work, it seems to me, you’re in very good shape. And I have no doubt you’ve read previous columns when I’ve suggested various ideas to try in similar situations – and they all still apply. But for you, I’m going to toss out a brand new notion.
You say you watch TV in different rooms, because of different tastes – but wouldn’t it be fun to find something you’d enjoy watching together? I’m a TV nut, and I think I bond most with others when we’re into a series together. I like to rent or buy the entire season of something that looks interesting and have a standing plan to watch it whenever I’m with that one special friend who’s decided to watch it with me. Right now a good friend and I are into HEROES, which I didn’t expect to love. We agree only to watch when we get together, and we have a blast discussing it and guessing what’s coming next. I’ve done it with seasons of LOST and I’d love to revisit BUFFY once again. I watched it the first time through with my daughters, though, and we bonded over BUFFY so much that it’s hard for me to enjoy it without them. And that’s the kind of thing we’re going for here, with you!
In a marriage situation, a plan like that, “date night” to watch each episode of a series you might have missed, can really take the pressure off. No need to plan evenings out when you’re both too tired, or spend money if it’s tight. You can snuggle on the couch, nice and close, and eat ice cream, and enjoy something together. It’s dark and it’s night time and it’s intimate and it becomes “your” thing. Two hours on that sofa together will lead to little touches and strokes and sidelong glances, that can lead to much more exciting together-time later on. Or during! (Learn to hit your pause button in the dark. I’m serious!)
It will get to the point where you’re looking forward, eagerly and excitedly, to your evenings together – and if that’s partly because you’re really into the series you choose, fine, but it’s going to grow into a lot more than that. It’ll get to the point where it just won’t be any fun to watch that particular series with anyone else.
So that’s my suggestion. Find some things you both like and watch them together, even if you have to rent or buy an entire season at a time.
My second suggestion – and this is a big one to me at the moment, since my entire (extensive – OK, obsessive might be a better term) collection was ruined by smoke – NEVER underestimate the power of Victoria’s Secret. You just show up in HIS TV room one night in something special from the universe’s greatest retailer, and see what happens. Don’t be afraid to flirt a little, to make the first move. I think he’ll be very glad to reciprocate.
Good luck!
Maggie