Dear Maggie,
For several almost a year now, my boyfriend and I have been growing closer and closer. We agree we’re in love, and we agree we’re in it for the long haul. We currently spend at least a couple of nights a week together, sometimes at his place and sometimes at mine. But I’m ready for more. He’s not.
I find myself feeling lonely and miserable on nights when I’m by myself. And then on the nights when we’re together, I’m brooding about wishing they were more often than not. And wondering when things will get to that point. But I don’t say anything. I don’t want to push him into anything he’s not ready for, I really don’t. But what if I’m ready and he’s not? What happens then?
We used to never stay overnight. Then we did once in a while. Then nearly all the time, and now it’s every time we see each other. We used to see each other once or twice a week and now we’re up to three times, and sometimes more. So it is progressing, but with painful slowness! I mean, I’m not getting any younger!
My best friends say I should tell him how I’m feeling, and we should air it out and discuss it. But I worry it’ll scare him away. What should I do?
Signed,
Sick of Sleeping Alone

Dear . . . you. (I didn’t want to call you “sick”!)
The issue here isn’t about whether to talk it out or not. Talking it out is a synonym for “I’m going to tell him he’s not making me happy with what he gives, so he’ll feel he either has to give more than he’s ready to give, or feel like he’s failing me in some way. But I’ll feel better.”
So let’s not do that just yet. Let’s decide what’s happening. You say you’ve been together for a year. At first you never stayed over, then you did sometimes, then you did most of the time, now you do all the time. Do we see a pattern here? A nice, steady, predictable pattern? You’re wanting more and sure as night follows day, you’re going to get more. Your pattern is going to keep right on going just the way it has been. UNLESS you stop it.
How can you stop it? By focusing on the nights when you’re alone and how much you hate it, instead of focusing on the nights when you’re together and how much you love it.
So here’s what you do. When he’s there with you, relish it. Make mental notes of how good it feels to have him in bed beside you, and let yourself just delight in it. Remind yourself often how far you two have come.
Now, on nights when he’s not there, you need to focus on anything BUT the fact that he’s not there. You can think about how good it’s going to feel when he’s there more often. Or you can spend the evening journaling about how much you enjoyed the last time you were with him. You can rent movies, or go to movies, or indulge in any of dozens of possible hobbies, or take a class, or go to the gym. Wear yourself out so you’ll sleep soundly. Wake up feeling good about the relationship you have, and it will get better and better. Wake up resenting that it’s not what you want it to be just yet, and you’ll get more of what you don’t want it to be. It’s that simple.
You can really mess this up if you let yourself. But it sounds like that would be a real shame. It’s in your hands, though. It’s all about where you choose to focus.
Good luck!
Maggie