Dear Maggie,
My husband has a terrible temper, and he’s always angry. When he’s his normal self, I love him so much, but when he gets into one of his moods, I can’t even stand to be around him. He’s not violent, never has been, and I don’t think he ever would be. But he shouts and swears and and stomps around, and it’s just impossible to talk him down. Little things like not being able to find something he needs around the house set him off, but lately, it’s money more than anything. He gets furious over every nickel I spend, even though we’re really all right financially. He’s constantly worried about money. Every month when it’s time to pay bills, he gets angry at me for them being too high. (And no matter how low they are, they’re too high, and it’s no more my fault than his.) And holidays have become a nightmare.
Maggie, I love my husband. We’ve been together almost twenty years, and I don’t want to leave him. And as I said, he’s not like this all the time, and when he’s not, he’s a wonderful man. But it’s getting harder and harder to live with his temper. What can I do?
Signed,
Weary Wife

Dear Weary Wife,
I’m going to tell you from the top that this is a form of abuse. And it’s one a lot of men tend to dole out. It’s also one you don’t have to tolerate. But by letting it go on for twenty years, you’ve basically told him that it’s okay to make you his whipping post. By tolerating it, you’ve helped keep the problem. Sorry, but it’s true.
He needs to be told that it’s unacceptable, and that you’re not going to live with it any longer. But only if you really mean it. He’s going to try claim that it’s just the way he is and that change is impossible for him, but believe me, he can change. All he has to do is want it.
For your part, here’s what I would suggest. And before you set this plan into motion, you need to sit him down and explain it to him. Tell him exactly how it’s going to be. “I can not stand to be around you when you’re angry. It’s hurting me and it’s hurting our marriage. And I don’t want to lose you. So from now on, I’ve decided, I just won’t be around you when you get that way. I can’t, and I won’t. So you need to know that up front. That’s the way it’s going to be from now on.”
Then, every single time he begins to shout or yell or swear, with the very first line he utters, turn yourself around and walk out. No matter what’s going on, no matter how desperately he needs your help, just turn around and walk out. Get in your car, go for a drive. Go for a long walk. Just leave. Don’t answer the phone when he calls you, and don’t return for at least and hour. If he’s still raging, turn right around and leave again. Do this every single time.
At the same time, when he’s being the man you love, the one you want to be around, make sure you’re noticing that, and letting him know you’re noticing it. Tell him how much it means to you to be with him when he’s the kind and loving man you fell in love with. Love him even more when he’s being that man. But set a zero tolerance policy for that other guy he can become. Be around the man you love, refuse to be around the one you can’t stand, and when he tells you he can’t stand it, tell him it’s either this or a divorce.
He might need help getting over his temper, (therapy or medication) but if he loses his audience (you) then there’s not much point in throwing a tantrum. It only works if someone is watching. Otherwise, what’s the point? Believe me, he’ll curb it. But you’ll have to be consistent and it’s liable to get worse before it gets better.
The thing to remember and to make sure he’s aware of is that it’s not just his marriage he might lose if this continues. It’s his health and possibly even his life. This behavior is a red flag for high blood pressure, heart attack and stroke just waiting to happen. Angry men have far shorter life spans than their more laid back pals. It’s been proven. You’ll be doing him the biggest favor of his life if you can help him to overcome this.
Good luck!
Maggie