Dear Maggie,
I just don’t understand my boyfriend. We’ve been together for a year, and he says he loves me, but he doesn’t seem to. Like, the other night, I had tons of things to do, and I was telling him how overwhelmed I was, and how little time I had. And I thought he’d offer to stay later and help me. But he didn’t. He just went home. Another time, I showed up in a brand new dress, and he didn’t even notice. Or if he did, he didn’t say so. He never says he loves me unless I say it first. Well, once in awhile. But not often. If I tell him I’m sick, he “takes the night off.” From me, I mean. He even calls it that! Like I’m a job he has to do or something. If he were sick I would go over and take care of him. Make him chicken soup or give him a back rub or something. But when I’m sick, I get ignored. It’s not fair! I just don’t get it. How can he say he loves me when he acts like he doesn’t even care all that much?
Signed,
Mixed up & Miserable

Dear M&M,
To quote Mr. Monk, “Here’s the thing …”
Males are different. Might as well be a different species. They have a steep learning curve when it comes to what women want, and they honestly do not see things the same way that we do. For example, when he’s sick, having you hovering over him with chicken soup is probably the last thing he wants. He doesn’t want his girlfriend to see him laid up, weak and needy. He wants to be left alone until he feels better. You assume that what you want when you are sick (to be taken care of) is the same thing he would want when he is sick. But it’s not. So isn’t it a safe bet that he does the same? He assumes anyone in their right mind would not want company while they’re sick. How can he know that you want the opposite?
As for your long to-do list and his failure to offer to help, it’s just another example that we speak different languages. He figures if you wanted his help, you would ask for it. Since you didn’t ask, he assumed you didn’t want it, and he probably had a to-do list of his own waiting. Or more likely, someone else, friend or relative, who needed help and did ask. And I hate to tell you, but a man who showers you in compliments about your clothes is either wishing he could borrow them, or trying to con you. The only thing about women’s clothing that most non-cross-dressing guys notice, is the lack of it.
In broad generalizations, men say what they mean, in simple straightforward terms. You don’t need to wonder “what did he really mean by that?” because 99.9% of the time, he meant exactly what he said. We are the ones who say one thing while meaning another. “No, no, I don’t need any help” usually means, “I want you to insist on helping me. I don’t want to have to ask.” And what’s more, guys tend to think they don’t need to tell us that they like the way we look, or that they enjoy being with us, because “Duh. I’m here, aren’t I?”
So try to learn each other’s languages a bit better. Tell him what you need, and stop assuming so much. You’ll be surprised how much things will improve if you just start communicating.
Good luck!
Maggie