Shayne on You: Focus on living, not dying
Dear Maggie,
I know you usually advise people to be positive, but I just don’t know how someone in my circumstances can be. I’m married to the best man in the world, but he’s fifteen years older than I am. We’ve been together for thirty-seven wonderful years. And we’ve been happier than any two people could be. But now he’s seventy and I’m fifty five, and he’s had a heart attack, had two surgeries, is diabetic, and just seems to be having one health crisis after another. He tries to act the same as always – but I know he’s feeling his age. And I can see that he’s going downhill, and the reality is that I’ll soon have years of life to face without him, and I just can’t even imagine being without him. How do you suggest I find a positive way to think about that? I need something, because the thought of it is breaking my heart every single day.
Signed,
Future Widow
Dear Future – ugh, I can’t even say it.
OK, here’s the thing. Thinking about this has your full attention. You are breaking your own heart every single day by dwelling on this. Not to mention that the more you look for signs of his failing healthy, the more they’re going to manifest. The more sure you are that you’re going to be a widow, the more quickly you’re drawing that reality straight to your door. You’re already in mourning, for heaven’s sake. You’re a perfect match to the vibration of widowhood. You say you can’t imagine what you’ll do without him, but you can. You’re already doing it. You’re grieving as if he’s already dead! You are dreading his death so much because it’ll make you feel the way you’re already feeling. So if you’re so afraid of losing him and grieving him, then why have you started early?
I want you to realize that your very happiness is what’s at stake here. You’re not fighting for it. You’re throwing it away, all on your own. No, I’m not going to give you a positive way to think about your husband’s demise. I’m going to tell you to stop thinking about it at all. Stop creating the very future you don’t want. Start enjoying every single day, every single moment that you have together. Relish them. Celebrate them. Not because you’re sure there are so few left, but just because they’re wonderful. Not only will you attract more time, you’ll both enjoy it more. Blow every improvement in his health out of all proportion as you gush about it. Do this together, and watch him improve. Who’s to say who is going to go first? My mom died at 60, my grandma just turned 90. Life is given to us to enjoy, not so that we’ll spend our entire lives worrying about the end. There is no end, anyway. We are eternal.
You don’t go on vacation, and spend your time weeping because you’ll have to go home so soon. You enjoy it. Life is our cosmic vacation. So stop focusing on death and dying and dread, and get back to having a wonderful time with this man you love so much. I promise you’ll never regret it.
Best,
Maggie
I know you usually advise people to be positive, but I just don’t know how someone in my circumstances can be. I’m married to the best man in the world, but he’s fifteen years older than I am. We’ve been together for thirty-seven wonderful years. And we’ve been happier than any two people could be. But now he’s seventy and I’m fifty five, and he’s had a heart attack, had two surgeries, is diabetic, and just seems to be having one health crisis after another. He tries to act the same as always – but I know he’s feeling his age. And I can see that he’s going downhill, and the reality is that I’ll soon have years of life to face without him, and I just can’t even imagine being without him. How do you suggest I find a positive way to think about that? I need something, because the thought of it is breaking my heart every single day.
Signed,
Future Widow
Dear Future – ugh, I can’t even say it.
OK, here’s the thing. Thinking about this has your full attention. You are breaking your own heart every single day by dwelling on this. Not to mention that the more you look for signs of his failing healthy, the more they’re going to manifest. The more sure you are that you’re going to be a widow, the more quickly you’re drawing that reality straight to your door. You’re already in mourning, for heaven’s sake. You’re a perfect match to the vibration of widowhood. You say you can’t imagine what you’ll do without him, but you can. You’re already doing it. You’re grieving as if he’s already dead! You are dreading his death so much because it’ll make you feel the way you’re already feeling. So if you’re so afraid of losing him and grieving him, then why have you started early?
I want you to realize that your very happiness is what’s at stake here. You’re not fighting for it. You’re throwing it away, all on your own. No, I’m not going to give you a positive way to think about your husband’s demise. I’m going to tell you to stop thinking about it at all. Stop creating the very future you don’t want. Start enjoying every single day, every single moment that you have together. Relish them. Celebrate them. Not because you’re sure there are so few left, but just because they’re wonderful. Not only will you attract more time, you’ll both enjoy it more. Blow every improvement in his health out of all proportion as you gush about it. Do this together, and watch him improve. Who’s to say who is going to go first? My mom died at 60, my grandma just turned 90. Life is given to us to enjoy, not so that we’ll spend our entire lives worrying about the end. There is no end, anyway. We are eternal.
You don’t go on vacation, and spend your time weeping because you’ll have to go home so soon. You enjoy it. Life is our cosmic vacation. So stop focusing on death and dying and dread, and get back to having a wonderful time with this man you love so much. I promise you’ll never regret it.
Best,
Maggie
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